Where There is Father Absence, There is Opportunity

Father absence and the struggle so many women and girls experience is heightened as Father’s Day draws near.  

Oddly enough, the idea to create a special day for children to honor their fathers was created by a woman, Sonora Smart Dodd, while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon in church in 1909.  Because her mother died when she was very young, leaving her father to raise six children, she wanted also to honor her father for his sacrifices and the loving care he provided his children.   

Sonora’s father was born in June, so she chose to hold the first Father’s Day celebration in
Spokane, Washington on the 19th of June, 1910.  President Calvin Coolidge, in 1924, supported the idea of a national Father’s Day. Then in 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father’s Day. President Richard Nixon signed the law which finally made it permanent in 1972.   

Normally a day of celebration for daughters and their fathers, Father’s Day for daughters whose fathers are absent by choice can be a difficult day.  All of the questions and curiosity around why he left; why he has no interest in being my father; why he does not visit; and one thousand other why’s come to the surface.    

Take the opportunity to connect with your father if at all possible on this special day.  Send him a Father’s Day card and just say hello.   

Where there is absence there is an opportunity to fill the void. 

www.robinwrightking.com

Must We Be Tested by Pain to Have a Testimony?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this phrase lamented “You can’t have a testimony until you’ve been tested!”  As a pastor’s wife, I’ve listened to many testimonies that speak to a common theme: pain, loss and tragedy.  Are these the only ‘rights of passage’ to having a testimony?     

I’ve listened to the story of a man who was hit from behind by an intoxicated driver as he sat in his car at a traffic light.  He suffered injuries that unfortunately will result in chronic and disabling pain.   His injuries and the challenge he will face is beyond his control and occurred because of the reckless behavior of another person.  I’ve listened to a woman, a married woman, who discovered that she is HIV positive because of the promiscuous behavior of her husband.  She again, is a victim of the decision made by another person.  I’ve listened to many stories of homes that have perished to fire due to electrical problems, family and loved ones who have lost their lives to automobile accidents, catastrophic illness such as cancer, and other ‘uncontrollable’ events or circumstances.  These people have been tested and they have a testimony. 

I’ve also had the opportunity to listen to those whose children are engaged with the criminal justice system for carrying a gun, participating in an armed robbery, an assault, and other crimes.  These testimonies usually come from the mothers who have exhausted all of their financial resources to post bail and defend children and young adults who continue the cycle of poor choice.  What is interesting is what you find when you dig a little deeper.  You often see the absence of fathers, drug addicted mothers, poverty, and non-existent parental involvement when it was needed the most.  By the time the parent(s) recover from their issues, the children are out of control in an out of control environment.  These testimonies are emotional and compelling because of course we all want our children to make good choices and to do well.  But are these testimonies by those who have been tested or by those who have made poor choices?  I think we’ve gotten the concept confused.   

Don’t’ get me wrong, I applaud those who have transitioned their lives by making 360 degree changes, but I am offended by those who say that I don’t have a testimony because I have not experienced pain, tragedy and loss.   

What you don’t hear are testimonies that lament good and thoughtful choices that create productive and viable life situations.  We are all presented with opportunities to take the easy way out, to short cut, and to do things that we know are not quite right.  When confronted with these options, we have the freedom to use common sense to make decisions that are good for our lives, today and tomorrow.  These are the true tests that life presents.   

Testimonies can be about the joy and happiness found in graduating from college, because you made the decision and commitment to go.  Testimonies can be about finding the love of your life.  Testimonies can be about feeling good and living a healthy life.  If we chose behaviors that result in unfortunate consequences and count them as testimonies, surely those of us who have made choices that result in positive outcomes, can also have a testimony. 

Testimonies don’t have to be about pain, despair and hopelessness.

 www.robinwrightking.com

 

Is Marriage for White People?

In March of 2006, an article in the Washington Post titled ‘Marriage Is For White People’ questioned the institution of marriage in the African American community and sited several rather disturbing trends.  The title of the artitle came from a remark made by a 12 year-old African American boy in a classroom discussion about fathering children and marriage.  The child indicated that he wanted to have several children, however, saw not connection between fathering children and marriage.  His response to his teacher, who suggested bringing couples into the classroom to discuss marriage and raising a family, was ‘Oh no, we’re not interested in the part about marriage, just being a good father’.  Another child added, with some disdain, “Marriage is for white people”.

According to the Washington Post article, African Americans have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States and it is on the decline.  Additionally, with 70% of African American children born out of wed-lock, is there any wonder that young 12 year-old African American boys see marriage as unnecessary.  If these boys are themselves not a part of a traditional family unit and don’t see families around them, how can they aspire to have families of their own.  They can not be what they cannot see.  Unfortunately these children, and far too many like them, are imprinted by their environment to believe that families are not important.  When 70% of children today in the African American community are born outside of the traditional family unit, a legacy is forming.  The legacy has already begun. 

Marriage is not just for white people. 

Baby Mama’s & Baby Daddy’s

I had the opportunity this weekend to watch a compellling story on ABC’s 20/20, called ‘Enough’.  One of the segments featured Maryann Reid, a young black woman, who is saying ‘enough’ to black parents who call each other “baby daddy” and “baby mama” instead of “husband” and “wife.” She created Marry Your Baby Daddy Day, because, said Reid, “There’s a cycle that has to be broken.”

I screamed a very loud ‘YES’ as I came to understand the context of the segment.  The African American community and the concept of ‘family’ within the African American community is in trouble.  Today, 70% of children born to African American mothers are born out of wedlock.  It was refreshing to see that Ms. Reid’s efforts facilited a thought process that has resulted in the creation of families.  Children thrive in ways that can not be measured when compared to those children who grow up in the non-tradition family structures.  Too many of our children are ‘imprinted’ with the idea that marriage and children are mutually exclusive activities.  In particular, young African American boys are seeing their mothers, and other females in their environments having babies without the benefit of marriage or even the continued involvement of the child’s father.  This is negative imprinting.  They are not seeing families and they will therefore not seek the family concept for themselves as they mature into adulthood.

Hat’s off to Maryann Reid!!  Job well done!

Fatherless Daughters, Forgiving and Healing

I grew up without my father.  I can’t ever remember living in the same household with him.  I’m sure I did as a very young infant but unfortunately my cognitive competency and ability to comprehend and remember was compromised by my youth.  By the time I began to walk, my father had by his own accord walked out of my life, never to return.   Fast forward approximately forty-nine years; I have forgiven my father for his absence.    Forgiveness, however, did not come easy.  Anger got in the way and transformed itself into an anchor, dropped deep in the ocean for forty-nine years, rusty, dug in and firmly embedded.  I was secure and comfortable with my anger, holding it, squeezing it and owning it with every ounce of my being.  The thought or concept of forgiveness for many years never crossed my mind.  If I couldn’t have him, then perhaps I could have my resentment toward him.  It was mine. 

In 1995 my father passed away and for the first time, I had the opportunity to have insight to his life.  Funerals have a way of doing that.  This insight however, further instigated my anger but it moved me to action.  I began writing my first book titled Papa Was A Rolling Stone: A Daughter’s Journey to Forgiveness.  The experience proved to be, cathartic, energizing, and ultimately paving the way for my journey to forgiveness and healing.   Along the journey, I discovered that I was not alone in my experience with father absence, and more particularly, I was not alone as an African American female.  There is extensive data available that speaks to the impact of father absence on the male child, but by comparison, very little data is available with regard to the impact for females and even less for the African American female.  Statistics tell the maginitude of the problem very clearly.  In most large urban cities where significant numbers of African Americans are concentrated, sixty to seventy percent of households with children under the age of eighteen do not have fathers in the household.   

When you consider that the American population consists fifty-percent of females, at least half of African American girls in these urban areas are growing up without the benefit of a father’s presence.  Certainly, there are some men (and women) who, if they were present, would not provide benefit for their daughters; however, the number can’t be sixty to seventy percent.  Early involvement in sexual activity, teenage pregnancy, drug addition and other activities that result in contact with the legal system are linked to father absence.  Our daughters benefit from father involvement and the resulting template that is essential in guiding them through their male-female relationships whether personal or professional.  When you consider the vital role fathers have the opportunity to play in their daughter’s lives, father absence is a plague inflicted upon the African American family and families world wide.  Irradiation of the father absence epidemic is complex.  There are no easy answers.  The plague is fed and energized by the lack of education, unemployment, drugs and addiction, teen pregnancy, crime and numerous other factors including anger.   

Anger exacerbates the chasm in broken relationships between spouses, significant others and those just ‘hooking up’.   The outcome is the victimization of children who end up with one parent, typically the mother and the father walking away.  Forgiveness is the tool by which these outcomes can be changed.  Forgiveness has the power to remove the anger and to enable adults to focus their attentions on the welfare of the child(ren) involved.  Children need their fathers.  Daughter’s need their fathers.   Forgiveness is a starting place. 

Robin Wright King is the author of Papa Was A Rolling Stone: A Daughter’s Journey to Forgiveness, and speaks at conferences on Responsible Parenting and the important role fathers play in the lives of their daughters.  Visit her website at  www.robinwrightking.com for helpful tools and tips.