Robin Wright King
Out of Wed-lock Births on the Increase
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I live on-line. Several times a day, I open my default home page, CNN.com to check on the stock market and to just stay abreast of current world events. A few weeks ago an article listed in the ‘Latest News’ segment of the page caught my eye. The article was titled “Out-of-wedlock births hit record high’. ‘Wow’, I thought. This can’t be good news.
I authored a book titled “Papa Was A Rolling Stone: A Daughter’s Journey to Forgiveness” that examines some of the factors related to father absence and the outcomes for children especially in urban areas where out-of-wed-lock birth rates are higher than the national average. When I saw this article title, I was immediately concerned.
The article says nearly 40 percent of babies born in the United States in 2007 were delivered by unwed mothers, according to data released last month by the National Center for Health Statistics. The 1.7 million out-of-wedlock births, of 4.3 million total births, marked a more than 25 percent jump from five years before. For the second year in a row, the teen pregnancy rate increased after a 14-year decline. Looking closely at the data prepared by the NCHS, it is apparent that the most significant increases in the rate of out-of-wedlock births are among black women, followed closely by American Indian and Latino women. Conspicuously lower are the increased rates for White and Asian women, both generally middle to upper class.
The article speaks to the erosion of the stigma of out-of-wedlock births and the acceptance thereof. A black woman, L. Henry, 28, notes that neither she nor the women in her family before her would have known of the stigma. Her parents never married and her grandmother only had a wedding when she was in her 60s. She indicates that when she and her boyfriend had their son, two years ago, there was no pressure to race down the aisle. “Culturally speaking”, she says, “taking vows wasn’t expected. Do we want to spend that money on a wedding or a house? … I guess it’s about priorities. I was never one of those girls that dreamed about the wedding dress.”
Something is wrong with this picture……
Remember the Washington Post article written by Joy Jones titled “Marriage Is for White People”? Ms. Jones shares her experience and discussion with a group of six-grade boys at an elementary school in Southeast Washington DC. After a discussion about the merits of fatherhood and the opportunity to invite couples into the classroom to talk about being married and rearing children, one student replied “Oh, no,” We’re not interested in the part about marriage. Only about how to be good fathers”. Another boy, as if the words left a nasty taste in his mouth said “Marriage is for white people.”
Something is wrong with this picture…….
Is marriage really for White people? Are we as African American’s ‘culturally’ allergic to marriage vows? The picture is this. There is a link between out-of-wedlock births and poverty. There is a link between out-of-wedlock births and father absence and there is absolutely a link between poverty and father absence. The statistics are very clear. In the city of Detroit, and in other large urban areas, 70 percent of children are born to single mothers; more than half of these children will never know their fathers. More than half of these children will live in poverty and potentially go on to believe that culturally speaking “taking vows is not expected” and will repeat the cycle. Anyone, especially an African American female, who thinks that culturally “taking vows is not expected” is asleep at the wheel.
Children absolutely need the love and attention of two involved parents who are hopefully married. The statistics also are very clear that unmarried fathers traditionally are not as involved as fathers who are married and in the home. There are plenty of outstanding unmarried fathers who live their ‘father role’ responsibly and more importantly with love and commitment, but they are far too often the exception and not the rule. At the end of the day, our children pay the price. Our children grow to believe that fathering children outside of marriage is the norm because it is what they see.
We have a responsibility to behave and conduct our lives in a way that provides for the long-term emotional growth and development of our children. They are watching us.
22 Million Children Are Living In Single-Parent Homes
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About 22 million children in this country live in single-parent homes, according to the National Fatherhood Initiative. While I’m not sure what percentage of the total population of American children this number represent, 22 million is a lot of kids. Statistics prove out that these children are much more likely to live in poverty, to drop out of school, to be involved in crime and to experience unplanned pregnancies.
The reason why many of these children live in single family homes and experience a variety of social ills is the physical and emotional absence of their fathers. While father absence has the potential to impact families from an economic stand point what is most critical is the absence of the non-financial contributions that fathers have the opportunity to make when they are present. Viable and involved fathers are key enablers to the psychological and emotional development of children.
Research shows that absent fathers, in general, want to be involved in their children’s lives, however, they most often have one problem in common- no job. Fathers who are not able to be financial are typically overwhelmed by a multitude of other issues and find it easier unfortunately to walk away. There are any number of causes that lead young fathers down the path to walking away, robbing their children, themselves and their families of the opportunity to grown and prosper both socially and emotionally. Our states have a responsibility and the opportunity to mitigate father absence and at the same time, mitigate the enormous cost associated with fatherlessness.
In a recent report published by the Michigan Fatherhood Policy Forum, the poverty rate for children in two-parent families is 8.4%, 31.3% for children in divorced families, and a staggering 64.1% for those children whose parents never marry. Many of these children living in poverty are also collecting welfare assistance, costing states and tax payers plenty.
Let’s help young fathers by removing many of barriers they face to secure and maintain employment. Many face not one issue, but many from suspended drivers license, lack of education, no job skills, etc. More states are getting on board to provide workforce development opportunities for fathers who are unable to make child support payments. Many states are helping these same fathers to get their drivers license reinstated so that they can enhance their ability to get to and from job opportunities. If you have an opportunity to influence policy makers in your state, take the opportunity and run with it!
Robin Wright King www.robinwrightking@comcast.net , Author “Papa Was Rolling Stone: A Daughter’s Journey to Forgiveness”
No Longer A Couple, But Still A Parent
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So often when our personal relationships end, and children are involved, we lose site of what is really important. We forget that we are parents first even though the relationship preceded parenthood. If the relationship ends because of betrayal or other significant emotional events, we are overtaken by fear, anger and resentment and the ‘fight’ begins.
Research by family practitioners suggest that in broken relationships where parents do not get along, the father is often the displaced party. Fathers are critically important to the development of their children. Studies show that children who have fathers who are financially, socially and emotionally involved in their lives after divorce or separation, are ultimately better adjusted than children whose fathers are absent in the same scenario.
The suggestion here is that both parents should make a concerted effort to place the welfare of their children in front of their issues and not allow them to caught in their dragnet of anger and resentment. Parents who agree to treat the other parent with respect in front of the children or otherwise, are parents who are serious about the well being of their children. Parents who put their children first, by agreeing to live in close proximity to their ex-spouse or significant other to enable the children to attend the same school, have the same friends, and ultimately experience minimal change to their daily routine, are parents who are focused on their children.
Effective and successful co-parenting can be achieved by those who put their anger aside and put their children first. The basic and fundamental tenant to achieve this success is respect.
Tags: absence, children, father absence, Father Absence Single Mothers Wedlock, mothers
Where There is Father Absence, There is Opportunity
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Father absence and the struggle so many women and girls experience is heightened as Father’s Day draws near.
Oddly enough, the idea to create a special day for children to honor their fathers was created by a woman, Sonora Smart Dodd, while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon in church in 1909. Because her mother died when she was very young, leaving her father to raise six children, she wanted also to honor her father for his sacrifices and the loving care he provided his children.
Sonora’s father was born in June, so she chose to hold the first Father’s Day celebration in
Spokane, Washington on the 19th of June, 1910. President Calvin Coolidge, in 1924, supported the idea of a national Father’s Day. Then in 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father’s Day. President Richard Nixon signed the law which finally made it permanent in 1972.
Normally a day of celebration for daughters and their fathers, Father’s Day for daughters whose fathers are absent by choice can be a difficult day. All of the questions and curiosity around why he left; why he has no interest in being my father; why he does not visit; and one thousand other why’s come to the surface.
Take the opportunity to connect with your father if at all possible on this special day. Send him a Father’s Day card and just say hello.
Where there is absence there is an opportunity to fill the void.
www.robinwrightking.com
Tags: absence, children, father absence, Father Absence Single Mothers Wedlock, mothers
Must We Be Tested by Pain to Have a Testimony?
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this phrase lamented “You can’t have a testimony until you’ve been tested!” As a pastor’s wife, I’ve listened to many testimonies that speak to a common theme: pain, loss and tragedy. Are these the only ‘rights of passage’ to having a testimony?
I’ve listened to the story of a man who was hit from behind by an intoxicated driver as he sat in his car at a traffic light. He suffered injuries that unfortunately will result in chronic and disabling pain. His injuries and the challenge he will face is beyond his control and occurred because of the reckless behavior of another person. I’ve listened to a woman, a married woman, who discovered that she is HIV positive because of the promiscuous behavior of her husband. She again, is a victim of the decision made by another person. I’ve listened to many stories of homes that have perished to fire due to electrical problems, family and loved ones who have lost their lives to automobile accidents, catastrophic illness such as cancer, and other ‘uncontrollable’ events or circumstances. These people have been tested and they have a testimony.
I’ve also had the opportunity to listen to those whose children are engaged with the criminal justice system for carrying a gun, participating in an armed robbery, an assault, and other crimes. These testimonies usually come from the mothers who have exhausted all of their financial resources to post bail and defend children and young adults who continue the cycle of poor choice. What is interesting is what you find when you dig a little deeper. You often see the absence of fathers, drug addicted mothers, poverty, and non-existent parental involvement when it was needed the most. By the time the parent(s) recover from their issues, the children are out of control in an out of control environment. These testimonies are emotional and compelling because of course we all want our children to make good choices and to do well. But are these testimonies by those who have been tested or by those who have made poor choices? I think we’ve gotten the concept confused.
Don’t’ get me wrong, I applaud those who have transitioned their lives by making 360 degree changes, but I am offended by those who say that I don’t have a testimony because I have not experienced pain, tragedy and loss.
What you don’t hear are testimonies that lament good and thoughtful choices that create productive and viable life situations. We are all presented with opportunities to take the easy way out, to short cut, and to do things that we know are not quite right. When confronted with these options, we have the freedom to use common sense to make decisions that are good for our lives, today and tomorrow. These are the true tests that life presents.
Testimonies can be about the joy and happiness found in graduating from college, because you made the decision and commitment to go. Testimonies can be about finding the love of your life. Testimonies can be about feeling good and living a healthy life. If we chose behaviors that result in unfortunate consequences and count them as testimonies, surely those of us who have made choices that result in positive outcomes, can also have a testimony.
Testimonies don’t have to be about pain, despair and hopelessness.
Is Marriage for White People?
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In March of 2006, an article in the Washington Post titled ‘Marriage Is For White People’ questioned the institution of marriage in the African American community and sited several rather disturbing trends. The title of the artitle came from a remark made by a 12 year-old African American boy in a classroom discussion about fathering children and marriage. The child indicated that he wanted to have several children, however, saw not connection between fathering children and marriage. His response to his teacher, who suggested bringing couples into the classroom to discuss marriage and raising a family, was ‘Oh no, we’re not interested in the part about marriage, just being a good father’. Another child added, with some disdain, “Marriage is for white people”.
According to the Washington Post article, African Americans have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States and it is on the decline. Additionally, with 70% of African American children born out of wed-lock, is there any wonder that young 12 year-old African American boys see marriage as unnecessary. If these boys are themselves not a part of a traditional family unit and don’t see families around them, how can they aspire to have families of their own. They can not be what they cannot see. Unfortunately these children, and far too many like them, are imprinted by their environment to believe that families are not important. When 70% of children today in the African American community are born outside of the traditional family unit, a legacy is forming. The legacy has already begun.
Marriage is not just for white people.
Tags: absence, african american women, black women, children, father absence, Father Absence Single Mothers Wedlock, marriage, mothers
Baby Mama’s & Baby Daddy’s
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I had the opportunity this weekend to watch a compellling story on ABC’s 20/20, called ‘Enough’. One of the segments featured Maryann Reid, a young black woman, who is saying ‘enough’ to black parents who call each other “baby daddy” and “baby mama” instead of “husband” and “wife.” She created Marry Your Baby Daddy Day, because, said Reid, “There’s a cycle that has to be broken.”
I screamed a very loud ‘YES’ as I came to understand the context of the segment. The African American community and the concept of ‘family’ within the African American community is in trouble. Today, 70% of children born to African American mothers are born out of wedlock. It was refreshing to see that Ms. Reid’s efforts facilited a thought process that has resulted in the creation of families. Children thrive in ways that can not be measured when compared to those children who grow up in the non-tradition family structures. Too many of our children are ‘imprinted’ with the idea that marriage and children are mutually exclusive activities. In particular, young African American boys are seeing their mothers, and other females in their environments having babies without the benefit of marriage or even the continued involvement of the child’s father. This is negative imprinting. They are not seeing families and they will therefore not seek the family concept for themselves as they mature into adulthood.
Hat’s off to Maryann Reid!! Job well done!
Fatherless Daughters, Forgiving and Healing
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I grew up without my father. I can’t ever remember living in the same household with him. I’m sure I did as a very young infant but unfortunately my cognitive competency and ability to comprehend and remember was compromised by my youth. By the time I began to walk, my father had by his own accord walked out of my life, never to return. Fast forward approximately forty-nine years; I have forgiven my father for his absence. Forgiveness, however, did not come easy. Anger got in the way and transformed itself into an anchor, dropped deep in the ocean for forty-nine years, rusty, dug in and firmly embedded. I was secure and comfortable with my anger, holding it, squeezing it and owning it with every ounce of my being. The thought or concept of forgiveness for many years never crossed my mind. If I couldn’t have him, then perhaps I could have my resentment toward him. It was mine.
In 1995 my father passed away and for the first time, I had the opportunity to have insight to his life. Funerals have a way of doing that. This insight however, further instigated my anger but it moved me to action. I began writing my first book titled Papa Was A Rolling Stone: A Daughter’s Journey to Forgiveness. The experience proved to be, cathartic, energizing, and ultimately paving the way for my journey to forgiveness and healing. Along the journey, I discovered that I was not alone in my experience with father absence, and more particularly, I was not alone as an African American female. There is extensive data available that speaks to the impact of father absence on the male child, but by comparison, very little data is available with regard to the impact for females and even less for the African American female. Statistics tell the maginitude of the problem very clearly. In most large urban cities where significant numbers of African Americans are concentrated, sixty to seventy percent of households with children under the age of eighteen do not have fathers in the household.
When you consider that the American population consists fifty-percent of females, at least half of African American girls in these urban areas are growing up without the benefit of a father’s presence. Certainly, there are some men (and women) who, if they were present, would not provide benefit for their daughters; however, the number can’t be sixty to seventy percent. Early involvement in sexual activity, teenage pregnancy, drug addition and other activities that result in contact with the legal system are linked to father absence. Our daughters benefit from father involvement and the resulting template that is essential in guiding them through their male-female relationships whether personal or professional. When you consider the vital role fathers have the opportunity to play in their daughter’s lives, father absence is a plague inflicted upon the African American family and families world wide. Irradiation of the father absence epidemic is complex. There are no easy answers. The plague is fed and energized by the lack of education, unemployment, drugs and addiction, teen pregnancy, crime and numerous other factors including anger.
Anger exacerbates the chasm in broken relationships between spouses, significant others and those just ‘hooking up’. The outcome is the victimization of children who end up with one parent, typically the mother and the father walking away. Forgiveness is the tool by which these outcomes can be changed. Forgiveness has the power to remove the anger and to enable adults to focus their attentions on the welfare of the child(ren) involved. Children need their fathers. Daughter’s need their fathers. Forgiveness is a starting place.
Robin Wright King is the author of Papa Was A Rolling Stone: A Daughter’s Journey to Forgiveness, and speaks at conferences on Responsible Parenting and the important role fathers play in the lives of their daughters. Visit her website at www.robinwrightking.com for helpful tools and tips.
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